Where Am I?

Long before this, I thought this blog will be the most private part of my life. I will share everything here, but slowly, i tend to hide. Keep everything inside me. If you continue reading, you will find that u will get to know nothing about me. It's just like wasting your time reading a insane freak blog.

I also dunno why. Why? I am way too protective. I dunno who can i trust anymore. Even the closest person with me dunno much things that i am thinking. My mind is stupid. I get mad, get bored and make conclusion myself and the problem is then settled. So? So nothing to be told. Everything i will just tell myself.

Hmmm.... Or maybe i should say till now no one can really make me feel confident that i can share everything with him or her. Maybe I am being too perfectionism. I am looking for a person that can same with the one i imagine. Stupid? Yes i am stupid. x(
And maybe because of this, I look like I am alone all the time. The closest friend is my imagination. I tend to talk to myself sometimes or just imagine something to make myself feel better. WEIRDO!!!! That's me!

有时候想想，有些事，不是谁说了就算。有些错，不是谁原谅了就不会有疤痕。有些回忆，不是说不提就会遗忘。认识犯贱的，越不能得到的东西，越想要。明知道不可能，还冲个头去。明知道会被伤害，还要傻傻地掉入陷阱。我知道我笨，但我不可怜。我知道我孤独，但我不怕寂寞。我知道我什么也没有，但我还有我自己。我知道我给的不是你要的，但我知道我会继续地给。我也知道你再也看不见我的踪影，但我想让你知道，我会默默地跟从你的背影......

有时，当我想说时，我说不出口。对不起朋友，或许已开始我可以和你什么都谈，天南地北，无话不说，但渐渐的，你会发现我和你的话题不再那么多，我选择回避一些话题。不是我们的感情掉了，只是，我知道有些话题我们是不应该再谈了。我担心会对你造成伤害。我不希望让身边的人不开心。我真得不忍心。我不希望勾起他们不开心的回忆，所以我逃避。我选择一个人承担，假装坚强。能不谈就不谈，直到你认为我已经复原了。其实没人懂，我的心还是破碎的。我找不回碎片，我找到的就只有被回忆所割伤的伤口。我想哭，但我不会在你面前哭。我会一个人流泪，再一个人坚强起来。我希望有个人能看穿我，看出我内心最脆弱的那一块。再问我一句，你好吗？你真的好吗？

我不知道该如何放手，什么叫放手？什么叫忘记？我真的学不会。在我人生里，只要我珍惜过的，没有一样我会忘记。我不想忘记，因为那时我人生中最珍贵的东西------ 回忆。我能做的就只有，静静的看着他飞到他想去的方向，等到再也看不见他的背影时，才肯一个人转身，以个人慢慢走向时间倒退的路。回到从前，一个人再次坚强，一个人再次伪装，一个人学会遗忘现在的自己。我已经习惯了。习惯？其实，说真的，这是第一次。我第一次这么勇敢，第一次这么笨，第一次这么傻，第一次欺骗自己，第一次伪装那么久，第一次坚持着要在你面前坚强，第一次被伤得那么重，第一次自己站起来，第一次告诉自己不要再拖下去了。

再过一个月，就要一年了。时间就是过得那么快，就像握不住的沙，握地越紧，流失的越快。我亲爱的朋友，我记得第一次和你的长谈，你在最后这么说 -------- I think we can be intimate friend. 当时我又喜又忧。因为我知道，我们走到最后的尽头，关系远远只能到这个程度，没别的了。高兴的是，至少我们还是朋友。但，我想问问，你当时所说的是出至真心的吗？我不想要勉强别人，要是你觉得不是，那你说了算，我不会怎样。或许，我和你对朋友的定义不同，我对待朋友真的很重视，我要求很多，却从来不肯说出口。我坚持付出，我只想让身边的每一个朋友觉得开心。但有时我想要的，是有个人能让我开心。我不想当小丑了，我不想再装了，我累了，我够可怜了。让我脱下面具好吗？

Well, this is life~

最近，搬到了新家。找到了我暂时性的家，暂时性的家人，哈哈，慢慢开始习惯了这个新家的生活。但是，又是看见发生的种种问题，难免会觉得有点心酸。

但是，我答应了这位新弟弟，不再管他家的事。但是，有时候 aunty 问我意见时，我不得不说，毕竟，她有权知道家里所发生的事。儿子拍拖的事，她知道了。她没出面阻止，但看得出她不赞成。有句话她说的对，连自己也没能力照顾自己，还怎么敢去要求别人被自己照顾呢？做父母的都是这样，谁不希望自己的儿女们读书又成，事业有成，才成家立业呢？我这位弟弟，还擅自接了份工作，做直销。进了会员，也没告诉父母，唉~ 劝也劝了，都不知他是否听得进去。

虽然如此，这个新家的成员其实都有颗善良的心，但最大的问题就是，自尊心都太强了，总喜欢斗嘴，吵吵闹闹的。但是，吵了后，大家还是很融洽，还真特别。应该说，这家人的关系其实很好，互相原谅，吵了就忘了。哈哈~~~~

最近，感觉总是很孤独，像是到外地读书去了。必须重新认识朋友。怎么我感觉以前所谓的友情都是空虚的。现在，我真的感觉不到他们的存在，还是他们已经感觉不到我的存在呢？有时，我真得很伤心，心情很低落。想想，你的朋友就坐在你前面，但是，却一整天没转过头去和你说半句话。这种感觉像撕裂般的痛。我只想隐藏，我不停的笑，不停的说笑，我知道我一个人，我不怕，我必须坚强。

但有时就是这样，我总把自己想得太坚强。我不知道，我只是不想身边的人不开心，加上别人也有他们的烦恼，我的烦恼还是由我自己解决吧。下次你尝试听，笑声里都是空虚的。因为那只是为了掩饰自己不开心的笑声。

我想找一个知己，另一个对的人，另一个可以和我互相分担的人。茫茫人海中，我看不见，看不见那曙光。很难得得去年，我看见了，那道光很亮。果然没错，对的人出现了。只可惜，这人的包袱实在太多了，我不忍心再把我身上的包袱往他身上扛，我选择一个人吞忍，一个人担忧。我说这人啊，你不是神，只是个人。你没分身，就不要做让你分心的事了。现在的我，很幸福，却很孤单。现在的我很快乐，却很寂寞。

做过的心理测验也说，我是个寂寞的人，但谁又能陪伴我这寂寞的人？有时，望着那沉睡者的背影，我很想哭，却哭不出泪滴，我笑,笑我自己笨，连那一丁点的残余物也不肯抹去。我真得很爱回忆，却也知道，我永远会不去。有时，只想抱一抱你，告诉你，有一个人能为替你解闷，愿意在你觉得孤单的时候陪你。但，这只不过是个幻想，还是别做梦了。有时看着你的眼睛，我知道你有心事要说，但你却沉默了。你累了吗？你愿意歇下你的面具，在我面前尽情的懦弱吗？无情的失望。

Sorry baby~

I am sorry baby, that i have to abandon you for a while.

You know i will miss you don't you?

I didn't mean to do that, but i am forced to!

I am sad too leaving you without being at my side.

You wont cry is it?

My baby, you are crying.

You made me sad.

I am sobbing as well.

I know one day i'll be losing you.

But i never expect that it will be this fast.

I will still love you till the end of time.

Our memory will be eternity.

Nobody can erase it.

I will be back my dear bloggie~~~

烦死了

唉~
看来我应该是要住到外婆家去了。真得很不想，说真的。
早上七早八早就要起身，去学校要三十多分钟。想到就烦。
放学又麻烦，要到爸爸的店去等。又没地方冲凉，补习又麻烦。
又不能到处走，不能跟朋友出去。好像很没有自由那样。
我和妈妈反应过了，他说，如果真得很麻烦才另想办法。
我想住了外婆家，他就会叫我多忍一会吧，应该不会在另作打算了。
外婆家不是不好，感觉周围都是大人，很无聊咯。做功课又麻烦，一直搬来搬去那样，考试也没心机去读了。
突然 mood 全都跑掉，什么也不想做。闲~~~~
弄到我什么灵感都没有，都不懂写什么垃圾出来。
总之，我不想住外婆家去！ >.<

Holidays?

BULLSHIT DBKL! This is the only word i can use to describe them!
At first, I thought my house is going to renovate on August or July like that, but now they said it has to be carried out on JUNE! What the!!!!

And now i must start packing all my things. No time at all to enjoy my holidays.
All my books, my photos, my clothes, my bed, my cupboard, my stuff, my rubbish, where should i keep? Argh!!!! Headache. >.<

Yesterday, i heard a bad news about my friend. His grandma just passed away in China if not mistaken. I really feel sorry for it though he may say i am a faker. God bless her and rest in peace.

I guess i am reaching to the finishing point soon. After that point, everything will be done. No more missing, no more special feeling, no more dragging and no more loving. I wish that i can make it to this point before i end my life. LOL

These few days, i feel like losing contact with the world. I feel alone, but i already get used to it. I depend on myself, not asking anything from others. I guess this is what i can do to make myself stronger. i must stop demanding and achieve by myself. Life isn't fair. There is always something that we can't really get no matter how hard we try. We just have to let go. In fact, no one is fair. There is always a limit for them. Hmmmmm.....what am i talking about? CRAPS~

While i am packing my things, i saw a few memorable photos. Photos with my gang in form 1 doing Sivik project. From the photos, nothing evil there. Everything is pure and the smiles are just so angelic. A friends told me, time steals everything from us. It steals our smile and return us a fake smile. It steals away our trust, and return us with backstabbing. It steals away our purity, and return us with evilness. I guess time can kill a person without the person knowing.

Let's talk about something that is jubilant to me. Beyonce is going to release her new album '4' !!!! The new songs are so nice and i like them. Haters just go away. Hahahahaha.... However, i still like the song 'Listen' and 'Halo' the most. They made me feel secured. LOL~ She is the Queen of R&B. Wah! Hello, Beyonce!

Sometimes, being alone is not lonely at all. I like to stay alone to recall all the memories. Then rejudge myself. Whether i did them wrong or what. This is the perfect way to improve myself i guess. I need a mirror from others and i need one from myself also. Life isn't easy but it isn't hard though. I like a quote --- Go get your life, make it shine and make it fine. :) Bye~

Listen to your heart and it will bring you to death!

Argh, stupid title. Actually, the content isn't really that serious.
This morning, i was not gaming.
The game is having a server maintenance~ LOL
Doing maths questions...
Doing R&D.....
Doing the scrap book for SLAD....
FB-ing.......
Listening to songs.....
Reading ppl blogs.....
Missing no one but myself....
Thinking about nothing......
Emptying my mind.....
Slowing down everything.....
Life is that stupid.....
You have to walk but we tend to slow down. Being left behind...
Life is that peace.....
We can do nothing but sleep all the day. Speechless day~~~~~

Let's talk about sumthing awful ok?
I can sacrifice more than what others can.
I can do anything for you as long as you feel better.
I know you earlier than the others.
I've been through more things with you more than the others do.
I just love you more....

Is that awful enough? Personally i think that it's sickening. I can't even think of it for another single minute. It makes me wanna vomit! For me, these kind of words cannot be said out easily from you mouth. They have to be proven. I just dun understand. If you can fall in with different ppl easily, does that mean u really love them? I dun think so. No matter how many times you say you love them, I just don't think so. Nah, dun wan to talk about this topic anymore. Some ppl just so perasan thought that i am "badmouthing" about them AGAIN. =.=

I am out of words to say. All the things that i wan to tell are in my mind. If you dare enough to crack and open my mind to look for the words, just cmon~ xD