Entering USM or basically entering university is such a exciting event for me a few months ago. Sadly, after i spent about 2 weeks there at USM, life isn't as great as i always thought....

I am forced to live alone outside which I thought is a big step forward to achieve my freedom but in fact, it's not. I am still not ready yet to face all the decisions that I have to make in my life. WHY? I got no experiences, I got no supporters. I feel so restricted by myself not daring to make any decision. :(

I got no friends there during the orientation week. NONE at all. I was just sitting randomly with some people which then I have to introduce myself again and again but seems like no one have a piece of time to remember it. Seeing people come to USM with a bunch of friends make me feel sick. Where are mines? :(

I told myself that no matter what I need to smile and be confident in myself to overcome this. Who said that everyone in uni must have friends? I am used to the life to be alone so I am dare to take the challenge. Even my kakak angkat can see thru my eyes and ask me to mix with more people outside. Haiz....

I am just not that kind of social-kaki that can be friends with anyone easily. It takes times!!!! Friends is no saje saje for me! I want sincere friends with sincere souls inside them! I think God pity me as well and he gave me one everytime when i feel i am going to give up. I met one friend. A good friend? A sincere friend? I dunno yet but it seems to be. My sensor is a bit rusted. I have to polish it and make an accurate result.

I think i lost my soul somewhere near Nibong Tebal where my uni is located at. A soul that is craving for freedom and friendships. A soul that has a bold heart but scare of lonely. A soul that is waiting for someone to unlock it. Where am I? I am lost.....

如梦一场

这两天，
为什么心情会如此低落？
原因很简单，因为你。
的确因为你。

思绪很乱，很烦。
你是否也会像当年一样，一句话也不留，就消失在人群中？
我对你失去了信心，心麻麻的。

你昨天对我说的话是发自内心的吗？
你能给我安全感吗？
那温柔的拥抱，现在是否冷却了？
能否让我留在你身边，至少，你温热的体温，还能让我感觉到一丝温暖。

当时的你，是否真心？
我想问的就这么简单。
为什么，我就是不能相信。
这不是一场梦！
这真的发生了。
我应该知足了。

两个月后，我们各奔东西。
三年，我应该等吗？
你给不了的承诺，让我忧郁了。

站在十字路的交点，该怎么走？我却只想回头。
我不想自己后悔。
旧爱，让我知道爱情能让你快乐，更能让你奋不顾身，让你满身伤痕。

谢谢你圆了我的梦，
更让我梦醒了。

谢谢你，穆月水生

认识我的人应该都知道，当我使用中文来写 blog，心情都是低落期。

终于，四月，我离开了maxis，加入了 cubic platforms，HTC 的大家庭。开心吗？其实也不很见的。刚进就得参加累人的 launching event，（希望 commission 多多，哈哈）

一个星期后，不只是幸运还是不幸运，老板又遣派我到 pikom pc fair 去。唉~
但是，在那里，我反而更开心，遇见了几位新朋友，包括 ：jack, roy, erin 等等。

其中 jack 还是和我同星座，难得。就把他当知己，哈哈！

但是，孤独还是找上了我。

今天的我，突然很怕寂寞。

我很怕一个人，我的心事，我能和谁聊？

已经 20 岁了，年纪不算小。应该找个伴吗？

还是妈妈说得对，父母不能陪你到永远，只有伴侣才能陪你走余生。

身边的人，一个个的都找到自己的伴了，有股冲动大声呐喊，我的幸福在哪里？

听着一首首揿动我心的歌曲，我的心落泪了，我不要过一个人的生活。我不要！

我要的幸福，你在哪里？

此刻心情 ：重返寂寞

Tiny Parts of my Life

Dunno since when I never talk about my recent life anymore. Ok, so basically I worked for different companies during these 2 months. I worked as a part timer at Photorex, a 2 week temporary teacher, and currently as a Home Sales Associate at maxis Centre. Everything seems fine but NO actually.

As for my current job, I don't really satisfy with it though i have all those benefits that other company seldom offer to their employees like 2 days off a week, medical fees, and all those stuff. Honestly, I don't like the people there. First of all, 3 of them smoke! I just can't bare with it. How can a salesman talk to their customer with the SUPER-AWFUL-FUCKING-SMOKING-SMELL around him? For me, I will straightaway walk away. NO EXCUSE! You smell freaking disgusting!

Second, everyone there is trying to, you know, 'rasuah' me so that i can sell my sale to them. WTF! I understand the real life is really like that but I am the one who get the sale and I am the only one who can decide whether I want to give or not to give. Please don't give me all those funny and frustrated faces when I gave it to another person. Sorry, Mr Kenny, you can treat me bad if you want but that won't make me feel sorry for not giving you any sales! XP

Just realized that I am not a salesperson. I don't really like doing sales. It's like fucking amazing that you can earn a lot but ahem, it's fucking annoying and boring too to repeat the same things to everyone out there. Don't tell me to change the way to interact with the customers. NO WAY! The thing is still the same, MAXIS HOME IS STILL MAXIS HOME! Takkan jadi Digi Home pulak! If you force me to change the way to promote this product to the customers, come on, you wan me to write it on their face so that they can really remember what MAXIS HOME is?!!!

By the way, to promote a thing that you don't like is a disastrous challenge for me. I don't like to cheat anyone and I don't like to be cheated too. Frankly, Maxis is not my cup of tea. I don't work for money at this moment, I want to work for experiences and work for happiness. I would choose a job that I really like with lower salary rather than a a job that stress me out but with high income. I don't need that at this moment! Haiz..... anyway, do think 1000000000000000000000 times before you try to walk in to this field. Doing sales is CRAZY!

穆月水生

突然想起这一个名字
真得很久没与这个名字接触了
想起了，有点不舍，却有点麻麻的

当年，可以为了这么一个人，创出了这一个名字
想想有点可笑
但，这名字里，却从满了那么那么多的回忆．．．

中四，
那年的四月，
那件事
让我发现两样东西，
一
你对我而言是重要的
二
我看清楚了我自己

之后的几个月，
冷淡，
我不知为什么会这样
我不敢寻求原因
我自责

直到年尾，
一个朋友的提点
你终于领悟到我心中的纠缠
四楼
望着天空
你从身后的拥抱
很紧
很温暖
很有安全感
我不想错过当时的任何一刻
我害羞
我看不到自己当时的样子
我只知道我笑得很甜

原来
时真的
快乐的时光
是需要代价的
之后的一段时光
一样的
冷淡
总觉得
你不能接受我是我

我试图像忘记你
我用了一年
不够
再一年
当我想要放手的时候
我看见了奇迹
当时
我对于眼前的一切
我内心喜忧参半
喜
原来你并不是不能接受我
忧
你让我从事希望，让我再次痛苦

我试着询问你
看看我眼前的事实是否真实
但
你否认了
你之后的举动让我肯定
我没错
你心虚了

之后的岁月
不时看见你的身影
不时想起你
你好吗？
我很好
心还在跳

就这样，过了两年
当我以为，我真的放下了
你又出现了
你散发出的热情
你的笑容
一样那么迷人
还是那么直率
还是那么傻傻的
２月１日的这个晚上
你让我开心地度过

之后
不再多说
一样的冷淡

是我从来没有放弃吗？
还是，我太久没有感觉到　－－－－－－－－－－－　爱

大火

这么久以来，我的落泪点很低，却也是那么的高。

没有几首歌能真正的感动我，但这是其中一首 - 大火

每个失恋的人，心中应该会有一道疤痕吧。

这疤痕，往往会在你最想要在爱的时候发作，

它让你退缩，

它烧毁你的勇敢，

它吞噬你对爱的执著.......

看着自己的影子，

傻笑着自己的愚昧与痴情

痴情？

当饭吃？

笨蛋！

烧死的心，在看见你时，

跳了

跳了

跳了

不跳了

痛了

心挣扎着

被满满的回忆碎片割着

一刀

两刀

滴血

爱痛了

爱笑了

该走了

我以为

我一直以为

我相信

梦想就能成真

但

岁月告诉了我

别做梦

我能

但你不能

慢慢发觉

我的心不是被烧死

而是被烧碎了

那场大火

烧出了你我之间

永远跨不过的分界线......

End of the world - Start over

It's almost the last day of 2011. I believe everything will be gone after this day.

I wanna reset my password of myself.

I wanna make lost of the password so that i wouldn't have to access to the 2011 me again.

I wanna forget the bad memories of 2011.

I want to forget you especially.

But i know i won't....

Somehow you maybe watching or reading this, but it doesn't matter. This blog is for me to note down all my feelings.

I don't care if there are no readers of this blog.

I don't care if you go and share it out.

I don't care if you laugh at me saying that i don't have any followers.

I don't care if you don't care. Well, I CARE.

I always told myself that I should believe in me! I can get anything if i want to. But now, i believe in fate. If fate brings me here, it will bring me away one day i guess. If fate wants me to meet you and left me heartbroken, I can take it. Maybe alone.

I dun seems to be a person that will always ask for helps. No i dun like that. That's y i m independent. That's y i have to be strong. That's y i try not to need you anymore.

People dun really understand how a man like me. No, you dun! Dun pretend that you know everything. Not you and not you! If you cannot accept a thing, leave it alone, dun make yourself like you are so open minded and you can take it. No, you broke a heart again.

People nowadays are overbearing and fake. 1000 times more! "Mama, i told you i dun like this skirt! Why you still bought it for me? I hate you!" But this kiddy wore the skirt for every outings. Tolerate? Sharing? Or taking over control? This is what i can see in this small little society. You smile, I smile. You pierce me from behind and I will poke your eyes in front of everyone. No fear, no doubt. Wooppppssssss....

Physics people should have their right brain weaker. But why these things inside my mind dun wan to go away? I am sorry....

I hope by today, everything will remain the same and everything will change when i open my eyes on the new year.

To a person that still owe me a lot of things:
1. You owe me an answer for a question
2. You owe me for your comment
3. You owe me my PA book
4. You owe me ____________( for future purpose )

Start over? I believe it won't happen.